Disclaimer: This guide is for people undergoing chemotherapy. Please do not try this at home.

Step 1: Take picture of self with existing hair.

Step 2: Ask friendly local hairdresser to come in on her day off and cut locks into appropriate short style. Take photo of self, being careful to use same clothing, setting and lighting conditions to convey truthful Before and After pics.

Step 3: Wait approx 3 weeks and enjoy new hair style, being careful to tame early-morning “Something About Mary”-style spikes.

Step 4: Begin to pull hair strands out gradually when ready.

Step 5: When hair is thinning and ready for final chop, try out several punk hairstyles for experimentational purposes.

The Forward Sweep

The Sideways Sweep / Toupée

The Mohican

The Arrogant Jedward

Step 6: Check oneself out in mirror one last time.

Step 7: Take long bath or shower and slowly pull out hair. Alternatively (and in hindsight) go straight to step 9.

Step 8: Examine new baby-chick hairstyle.

Step 9: Return to friendly, accommodating hairdresser at short notice and ask for final head-shave.

(I give you the skinhead).

Step 10: Don wig of your choice and adopt alter ego accordingly.

(Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be… Miss Candy Pink!)

And… Valerie (Petunia has been renamed.)

CAUTION: Be careful to remove synthetic hairpiece when attempting to cook perfect cheese and tomato omelette. Wigs are highly flammable.

(Here’s one I made earlier)